What to expect in 2008

The Old Hoosier Philosopher’s Forecast for 2008

Dick Cheney goes rabbit hunting with an AK-47 and wipes out the entire population of Big Springs, Texas. The White House press secretary smiles and says, “Accidents will happen.”

The Super Bowl game is cancelled after it is determined that television viewers tune in only to see the halftime show and the commercials, which will be aired as scheduled. A panel of leading academics say this offers final proof that civilization as we have known it has come to an end in America.

Oprah Winfrey’s show is cancelled after she announces she has changed her mind and is now supporting Dennis Kucinich for president.

Shortly after a hitherto unknown country is discovered in darkest Africa, George W. Bush goes on television to say that reliable intelligence reports reveal they not only possess weapons of mass destruction but have nuclear energy capabilities.

Led Zeppelin cancels the remainder of its nationwide comeback tour after three members of the group die of old age during a concert at the Mormon Tabernacle in Salt Lake City.

Immediately after announcing that global warming remains a myth, Dick Cheney is swept away by a tidal wave that roars up the Potomac and wipes out the Rose Garden.

Four Border Patrol agents are handed life sentences for interfering with international commerce after confiscating a shipment of drugs and shooting a smuggler in the leg. George W. Bush names Johnny Sutton the new attorney general for his role in the case.

Hillary Clinton withdraws from the Democratic race after doing a minstrel show in blackface that causes rioting in all major American cities.

Barack Obama withdraws from the Democratic race after an attempt to attain the Michael Jackson look proves a complete failure.

Rudy Giuliani withdraws from the Republican race after it comes to light that he has a new mistress and is escorted to her condo by Secret Service agents posing as New York City policemen.

Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich win their respective party nominations for president and agree to nightly debates beginning in July after their initial meeting resulted in huge accolades and a near-unanimous decision that this is the most entertaining duo since Laurel and Hardy.

George W. Bush declares a state of national emergency, cancels the presidential election and proclaims himself King of North America and Emperor of El Salvador.

George Mitchell is lynched by an angry mob of 50,000 rabid baseball fans. Commissioner Bud Selig rules that all records held by Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron and other pre-1990 players must contain an asterisk because of their failure to comply with the standards of the game.

The NFL goes baseball one better and rules that anyone who has ever used steroids or any growth enhancement concoction is banned for life. The rule is rescinded a day later after discovering it strips all but one team of its entire roster. The NCAA adopts a similar rule but cancels it immediately upon finding that Wabash and DePauw are the only colleges in the country still able to field a football team.

Bowing to pressure, congress declares Spanish the official language of the United States.

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