The Presidential Candidate Campaigning in Iowa

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this warm welcome. What a pleasure it is to be back in the great state of Ioway and here among the friendly folks of Des Moines. Let me begin by – what was that? Oh yes, Cedar Rapids. Ha, ha, just wanted to be sure everyone is bright eyed and bushy tailed this beautiful morning. Cedar Rapids, of course.

Fred, how in hell can you let things like this happen? I pay you good money to see that they don’t.

Well friends, in only a few weeks now people all over this great state will be heading out after supper to a caucus. Let’s hope that every one of you fine – No lady, I said caucus, not ruckus. I thought everyone in Ioway knew – Oh, you’re from Indiana. Well, it’s always a pleasure to have a Hoosier among us. And now – Oh, you’re not really from Indiana, you were just visiting there before visiting Ioway. How nice. Yes, I hope the people who were supposed to meet your plane do show up.
Now when the wonderful folks of Ioway gather in living rooms all across the state it will – No, lady, they don’t have to gather in a living room. A family room would be fine. And as these good citizens sit down to discuss – Lady, a great room would do perfectly. Or a garage or any other damn place they care to meet.

Fred, will you get her out of here? I don’t care how, just put her on a plane or stuff a rag in her mouth, just do something.

And as I was saying, when these proud citizens discuss the candidates at all these various caucuses they will have – Look, lady, I know they’ve been discussing them for a year but this time they choose one to carry the banner of the party in the coming months as – No, woman, I did not say anything about having a party. Now could we please – Listen, if they want to have a party after the caucus that’s their business and either way it’s no skin off my nose.

Fred, for God’s sake do something. Help me out here.

So remember as you beautiful people head out to party – I mean caucus, of course, ha, ha, just my little joke – it is my sincere hope that you will place the good of the country before everything else and help me as I start down the long road to the White House. Thank you all, thank you from the bottom of my heart. God bless America!

Fred, what the hell do you mean she’ll be on the plane with us to Des Moines? I don’t give a big rat’s ass if she landed at the wrong place. She’ll get on that plane over my dead body and I mean that sincerely. You want one woman to destroy a multi-million dollar campaign single handedly? Is that what you want, Fred? Now get me a martini. Extra dry and make it a double.

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