Stodghill Says So

An opinionated posting on a variety of subjects by a former newspaper reporter and columnist whose daily column was named best in Indiana by UPI. The Blog title is that used in his high school sports predictions for the Muncie Evening Press.

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Location: Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, United States

At the age of 18 I was a 4th Infantry Division rifleman in the invasion of Normandy, then later was called back for the Korean War. Put in a couple of years as a Pinkerton detective. Much of my life was spent as a newspaper reporter, sports writer and daily columnist. Published three books on high school sports in Ohio and Indiana. I write mystery fiction for Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine and others. Three books, Normandy 1944 - A Young Rifleman's War, The Hoosier Hot Shots, and From Devout Catholic to Communist Agitator are now available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble and other booksellers. So are four collections of short mysteries: Jack Eddy Stories Volumes 1 and 2, Midland Murders, and The Rough Old Stuff From Mike Shayne Mystery Magazine.

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Monday, May 14, 2007

Golf on TV - The Ultimate Experience in Boredom

Is there anything on earth that for mind-numbing boredom can equal watching golf on television? OK, there's poker. Does anyone actually watch a group of strangers play poker on the tube? And bowling - don't forget bowling.
But even poker and bowling don't drag on for what seems like hours with nothing happening. Golf does. I was reminded of this yesterday while hoping to watch the final hour of qualifying for the Indianapolis 500. The last three minutes, that's what I got to see. The previous 57 were spent suffering as two women played golf. Four times they played the same 18th hole. The last three were playoff rounds.
If you have never watched golf on TV it goes like this. Two women stand looking off in the distance until one of them places a ball on the ground. Then she stares off in the distance again, walks over and talks to her caddy. Both stare off in the distance. Finally the golfer takes a club from the bag, walks over to the ball and swings the club half a dozen times. Not at the ball, just close to it. Satisfied, she moves closer to the ball, shuffles her feet around, wiggles her butt and then lo and behold she actually hits the ball. The TV audience gets to watch it sail through the air and land on some grass in the distance.
In a near whisper an announcer says there are 45 women from South Korea playing golf on the American tour. The other two announcers nod their heads profoundly.
Next, the second women does the same thing as the first. After that they stroll leisurely down to where they hit the balls and the audience gets to share that excitement. Once they reach the balls they mill around for a moment or so, then the first woman folds her arms and stares off in the distance. Eventually she walks over to her caddy and the tension begins to build as he opens a little notebook and shuffles through the pages. They consult. They both stare off in the distance. The woman takes a club from the bag and walks toward the ball, decides she doesn't like that club, walks back and puts it in the bag and pulls out another. She takes a few swings, moves up to the ball, shuffles her feet, wiggles her butt and then hits the ball. The camera follows it through the air until it comes down and rolls a short way through the grass.
Then the second woman does the same thing. After that they walk determinedly up to where the balls have landed somewhere near the hole they hope to hit them into. The crowd cheers.
All that was mere buildup to the fun that now takes place. The first woman stands behind the ball and looks toward the hole. She crouches and looks toward the hole, shielding her eyes with her hands. The caddy crouches and looks toward the hole. The woman walks to the far side of the hole and looks back toward the ball. She crouches. She walks back, making a wide swing so she can stop halfway and crouch. She walks to where the caddy is standing. They consult. Men hold up signs telling the crowd to be quiet. The woman takes a club from the bag, makes a few practice swings, approaches the ball, shuffles her feet and wiggles her butt. She's not satisfied. She steps back and starts over. Then, with the crowd in an agony of suspense, she hits the ball. It misses the hole. The crowd applauds her effort.
Then the second woman does it all again. They both hit the hole in the same number of strokes. They walk back to where they started and begin the whole process over again by staring off in the distance.
The excitement, the thrill, the suspense, will it never end? Yes, after 57 minutes.

http://www.dickstodghill.com/

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

All I can say to that is: AMEN

Barbara Taylor

10:33 AM  

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