How to Please a Woman

No, this is not an instruction manual. It is a plea for help. Why, I want to know, do women refuse to see certain little facts of life? Why won't they just accept the obvious? Why do they get all het up when a man utters a simple request?
For example, I sometimes point out to Jackie that men have it much tougher than women because they have to shave every day. More often than not she unleashes a tirade. This makes me wonder how she would like to drag sharp steel across her face and neck every morning.
This morning I greeted her for the first time, or at least the first time since eleven o'clock last night, by saying, "Guten morgen, mein hausfrau." Admittedly, I don't know if any German actually says that to his wife because I have never been present at such a moment. Most of the people I knew in Germany merely said, "Morgen." This struck me as odd as obviously it was morning and there was no need to point it out to me.
Whatever, Jackie got that look in her eye and warned me what would happen if ever again I called her a hausfrau, even though she is one. She said, " Why don't you go Germany? Don't you know somebody there who would take you in?"
"Abe March might. Or Peter Puhl in Nordenham."
"Good. Then you can talk in German all you want."
"But I like it here."
"Then speak American."
"Ya, mein Fuhrer." I didn't say that, I just thought it.
Another thing I don't understand about women is their reaction to a statement like, "If you'll take a break from scrubbing the kitchen floor, how about bringing me a cookie." Obviously that is an act of consideration. I could have just walked over the wet floor to get one for myself.
Or consider a minor burp to help a man's digestive system. Jackie's usual response is, "Thanks for saving that until you were right beside me. They probably heard it down on the first floor." We live on the sixth.
This just scratches the surface in explaining the ways in which women fail to understand and appreciate men. There are many more I could mention, but I think I'll quit now while I'm ahead.

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